Fallen Angel

I first saw her on a Wednesday. It was a typical chance meeting of two people passing by each other in a typical office building, on a typical work day. She didn’t even pay me a second glance. But I saw her. I saw her flaxen hair fluttering behind her, glimmering in the sunlight, and her piercing blue eyes staring resolutely ahead, locked onto her destination. From that moment, I knew something incredible had happened. It should have been a typical Wednesday, but I knew that it would soon become a thread tangled in the web of fate. Something had been born on that extraordinary Wednesday. The next time I saw her, a week had passed by. It was a similar meeting to last time. But something was different. This time, I knew she saw me. She stopped in the middle of the sidewalk, and when our eyes met, I felt something resonate within me. I was entranced by her gaze. Her eyes, I had mused, they were as blue as the ocean, almost crystalline in appearance. Even though storm clouds were covering the sky, it felt like a ray of sunlight was shining on just the two of us, falling from the heavens. For that moment, it was just the two of us. I could have stayed like that forever. It had only been an instant when her eyes finally left me, but it felt like an eternity before our gaze broke, and the bustle of life drew us back into its grip. I couldn’t really explain what had happened to me. It was as if a riptide had swept me up into its current, not quite sure where I would end up, though not particularly caring either. Though I had only met her twice, I knew I would follow her anywhere. There was something special between us. I knew that destiny would soon bring us back onto the same path once again. Our next meeting was in a little cafe. It was one of those cozy coffee shops that were a dying breed these days, falling prey to corporate expansion. It was a shame. There was just something about the atmosphere that couldn’t be replicated by those dime-a-dozen coffee chains. But I wasn’t there for the coffee. She didn’t see me though. She was locked away into her own comfortable little world, detached from everything around her. I was just background noise to her. That didn’t matter to me. It was enough to just bask in her presence. How could I ever dare try and approach her? She was an angel descended from heaven to grace us with her radiance. I could never reach her heights, no matter how hard I tried. Our next few meetings were all just the same. Somehow, we kept on finding each other, though she didn’t notice me the same way I saw her. I wasn’t sure if someone up there was trying to reward me or torture me. It was both glorious and torturous to be so close to her, yet unable to reach out to her. I wished I could somehow be worthy of her, but I knew it was impossible. She was perfection. I loved her kindness. I loved her imagination. I loved the way her eyes sparkled when she laughed. I loved the way she pursed her lips when she was thinking. I loved everything about her. There were many times I contemplated approaching her, but how could I? We were worlds apart. The days all passed by in a blur. It was an endless dance between us with only one partner, as I tried drawing near her, yet never able to touch. I seem to recall a few instances when I finally dared try to reach out to her. I even recall talking to her, how glorious it was. But those instances were rare and never accomplished anything. She was just too high above me. There was no reason for her to reach down to me. I should have given up on her, but no matter how hard I tried, she just kept drawing me back into her orbit. She was the sun, and I was a lowly insect dependent on her luminous rays. I was like Icarus, trying to touch the sun, knowing that it would send me plummeting back down to the earth. Yet I still had to go higher. Then it all changed one day. I had succeeded. I had finally reached her. Now I wasn’t sure if I would be able to pay the consequences. She was even more amazing up close. All that I had loved about her was there for me. She was everything I had dreamed her to be. If only I could stay like this forever. I learned so much about her. I learned that she liked cats, but only if they didn’t scratch her. I learned that she liked rainy days. I learned that she ate when she was stressed. I learned so much about her, and I savoured it all. It was like a love letter being passed between us. I had to hold it with me and never let go. Then it all came crashing to pieces when she decided she didn’t need me. Without her, I was nothing. Without her, there was no more meaning. She said that she never wanted to see me again. That I was a worthless excuse for a human being. Maybe she was right. I had to learn to live without her. I had to learn to live without the sun. I stayed like this for what seemed like a lifetime. How could I possibly live without her? I shouldn’t have taken the risk. At least before, I could admire her from a distance. But now, I couldn’t even go up to her. I longed for the old days when she was my treasure. I had to share her with the world, but at least I had her. Now she was out of my grasp. She was now there for the world to take back into its cold, cruel grip. I didn’t deserve this. She didn’t deserve this. We were meant to be: Two lovers brought together by fate itself. Maybe the world didn’t deserve her. Maybe I didn’t either. But I needed to move on without her. Even if it killed me. I couldn’t see her. Perhaps that was for the best. Perhaps I needed a new muse. I needed fate to guide me to another. But it kept on pointing me towards her. Maybe that needed to change. Maybe she shouldn’t be there. Maybe I should let her go. In the end, I was drawn back to her. Maybe I deserved another chance with her. Maybe she was worth the risk. Maybe this wasn’t all for nothing. All I could do was keep faith as my whole world was torn apart again. I hoped she would choose me over the world. She chose the world. With her new rejection, I became desperate. So what if I couldn’t have her? I could always find another. But fate is cruel. No matter how hard I tried, I kept drifting back towards her, like a moth drawn to a fire, knowing that it would burst into flames. I needed her. But I couldn’t have her and I couldn’t find another. But that might change if she was gone. If I didn’t deserve her, nobody did. She had wasted her last chance. It was time to truly let her go. It was time for her to cease to exist in my mind. As I visited her for the last time, I knew what I had to do. I was going to let her go. I would lose her. But it was for the best. When she saw me, she yelled at me to go away. But I needed to finish what I had come to do. It was for the best. Nobody could have her anymore. Nobody deserved her. She was gone. "You were my angel," I whispered to her as I cradled her lifeless body in my arms. What had I done? I wished things could have been different. But she didn’t see me. If only she did.